Looking for a great time? If all of this sounds like BUNCHES of fun to you, then go to the fair! It's open every day from 10-11 and costs $10 and oh yeah, today was the last day. Oh...you didn't make it...don't even live in Washington...hmmm....that's a bummer... But guess what? I GOT TO GO!!! And it was fabulous! I had a great time! Woohoo! Sucks to be you!!! Rocks to be me!!! :) No really, it was a good day. I haven't been to the Puyallup Fair for years and I really missed it. I mean, what is it about fairs (other than the fact that they so totally rock!)??? I think it starts when we're just little tykes and our parents take us there, stick us on a bunch of rides, get our faces painted, and feed us a bunch of fried, sugary food that we're not normally allowed to eat. And we do it every year, for the rest of our lives (here's hoping). And I think it becomes this wondrous day of gluttony- I mean, the sole purpose of the fair is to have fun. No one goes there thinking "Dammit, I have to go to the stupid fair again" (like we all think when we're heading to work or school or church). Instead, it's "yay! I'm going to the fair! I'm going to eat five thousand scones and ride the roller coaster until I puke! Woohoo!" Or at least that's what I think. So today was a good day. I went with my friend, Brandy, who had already gone twice. We started off by wandering through all of the exhibits. First we went to the Poultry Barn. In it there were a lot of chickens, including a few that had been spray-painted blue as part of some sort of "USA-Red, White, and Blue" theme. Right outside were a bunch of Tempermental Turkeys that would puff up all of their feathers and turn around, shoving their bare asses in our faces. It was really funny, because if we pissed them off even more (which means we stood a little closer to the cage and stared at them with wide, creepy eyes) they would make that really loud GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE sound and hold their breath so their faces turned a bright Violet color. Then we saw the Horses, Cows, and Pigs. We saw one horse who...ahem...demonstrated...why there exists the phrase "Hung Like a Horse." Brandy, who is clearly going to be a farmer some day, couldn't hack the pungent stench reeking from those barnyard asses and had to hang outside for fear of throwing up. The last straw, I believe, was when she turned and saw a cow who, apparently...um...had a little case of the runs, and was, as she so aptly described it, "Leaking Shit Out of its Ass." Mmmmm, tasty. I don't know though, she may have it in her yet to spend her life shoveling horse shit. What do you think? I must admit, however, that she did stay long enough to see the week-old piglets fighting to the death over their mamma's tasty titties. (However, we both remembered at the same time dissecting pigs about the same size in biology class in high school. How sad. I remember my teacher made us watch Babe and Gordy after we were done. Sick bastard.) However, this paled in comparison to the collection of Mullets I saw wandering around, as well as hot guys paired with ugly, skanky chicks (all with bad dye-jobs and caked-on eyeliner). And, in a rather touching moment of intimacy, a guy standing about 6 inches from me decided to "goose" his woman, reaching her "Front-Side Naughty Place" via her ass-crack. Brandy's response was "Well, I hope he at least bought her dinner first!" So I dragged Brandy along to see more animals, and made her watch the State Grand Championship Dog Show, an event which I won with both of my dogs. We only saw the tail end of it, but it certainly brought back happy memories. She bet that a Golden Retriever would win, and I thought the German Shorthair Pointer was looking pretty good. She was right though. (I should have remembered...Golden Retrievers RULE!!! (Miss you, Rosie!)). We were going to go on some rides, but seeing as they cost ONE DOLLAR PER TICKET and rides are SIX TICKETS making it SIX FUCKING DOLLARS PER RIDE, we decided not to. Maybe when I'm old and rich. So we settled for a gondola ride (which I think is actually called "Sky Cab" or something) that took us up and over the entire spanse of the fairgrounds. When we reached the other side, I went to hand the guy our tickets for our return trip when Brandy violently yanked them out of my hand and showed them to him. The man laughed and asked why I wasn't qualified to show him the tickets. I didn't know what to say because our cart was already leaving and I didn't know if there was proper time for something witty and sarcastic, so I just said "She's the boss!" and he laughed. But as we left, I added "Well...the word starts with a 'B' but it's not 'Boss'." Ahhh...Good Times. So, the food. Yeah, we ate a LOT of food. Brandy had a corn dog, curly fries, two sodas, an elephant ear, and half of a blooming onion. I had a piece of saltwater taffy, a soda, two scones, and the other half of the onion (which we both agreed was no Blooming Onion from the Outback Steakhouse. Mmmmm...). All in all it was a great day. I wanted to go back to get another scone to take home, but the lines were long and Master Brandy decided we HAD to leave at that EXACT moment and could NOT wait ONE more second! (She's lucky I love her enough to forgive her for such moments!). I did wait patiently, I might add, whilst she purchased all of her food including the two 10-pound bags of kettle corn she lugged around like a pregnant woman with a craving. I searched forever to find a souvenir, in case I never get to go again, and while Brandy's idea of getting a Doo-Doo Head (I think actually called a Doo-Dah Head, but I like my words better) was nice, I ended up with cute little cow that has "The Puyallup Fair" branded on it. So I say YAY to the fair. Find one near you and go to it. Eat as much food as you can hold, and go on tons of rides. Forget work and school and obligations for a day. Spend money. It will be well worth it in the years it adds to your life by getting rid of some stress. I know I definitely feel better- enough to move my IMood Indicator from "Exhausted" to "Happy". :)
How about OODLES of rides, HOT Scones (perfection!), Elephant Ears, Roasted Corn-on-the-Cob, Earthquake Burgers, HOT Scones (delicious!), Fresh Salt Water Taffy, Farm Animals as Far as the Eye Can See, Thousands of People, and oh yeah, HOT Scones (yummy!)???
We also saw a lot of hobbies and craft stuff. Most of it was uninteresting, QVC-types selling the next new Wonder-Appliance. But it did include the biggest Dahlia I've ever seen, the Record Winning Great Pumpkin (958 pounds!!!), honey bee farms, a demonstration on why we need to preserve the flood plain (the guy made me help him), free samples of chocolate milk, the Republican National Committee Stand, giant decorative landscapes comprised entirely of fruits and vegetables, a HUGE dollhouse completely decorated (inside and out), and the largest collection of Pez Dispensers I've ever seen. 
And, in keeping with Fair Tradition, we got the requisite black and white booth photos. I had to fight her for my half of the picture but she had to take up the whole damned frame, so that's why my face is cut in half.
So after seven Full-of-Fun Fair Hours, we left, touting Brandy's cheap glasses she won by tossing dimes into them, and giggling like itty-bitty school girls at the stamp the woman at the gate put on our hands that said "Thanks for Coming." In what will probably be our Greatest Moment of Immaturity we Tee-Heed over jokes like "What does the prostitute say to her customers after they leave? Thanks for Coming!" Tee hee! Tee hee!
